RICHARD ORD: Rishi Sunak wages war on the fog-gobblers

The youngest of my two sons - the blond one - joined the massed ranks of young fog-gobblers recently. He couldn’t have picked a worse time to sign up to the nicotine club to be honest.

The Government has revealed new legislation to, very slowly, ban the sale of cigarettes.

While I understand and support the plan to ban fags, they have come up with a ludicrous way of implementing it.

The new Bill will make it illegal to sell tobacco products to anyone born after January 1, 2009, which covers kids who are currently 15 or younger. Which means, in the future, you will have a teenage corner shop worker demanding that a 56-year-old man prove his age to buy cigarettes.

‘You can have the bottle of whisky, paracetamol and pornographic magazines, but I’ll need to see your ID before I can sell you the Lambert and Butlers. I don’t make the rules dad.’

Of course, the ban plan has become the proverbial political football with some well known politicians donning the shin pads to wade into the debate. Liz ‘two left feet’ Truss leapt like a salmon to meet the ball only to find it walloping her in the ear. She branded the government a ‘technocratic establishment’ that was aiming to ‘limit people’s freedom’ with the ban. Hardly the open goal she was hoping for. Technocratic means the decision makers are selected based on their expertise. In other words, they are making the decision to ban cigarettes on advice from experts rather than a whim or gut-feeling, something Truss should have taken onboard before her expert-free mini-budget crashed the economy along with her short-lived Prime Ministerial career.

Sometimes, limiting people’s freedom is a good thing. A recent vox pop I read had smokers fuming (pun intended) at the ban. One, with no sense of irony, revealed she saw the ban as an infringement of her human rights, adding that she smoked mainly out of ‘addiction and enjoyment.’ I like my addiction, leave me alone…

Anyway, no sooner had blond son started up his vape addiction than he gave it up. Good for him. Annoyingly, I still had some good vape name alternatives to throw his way. Steam Wheezers being a favourite. Smog Swallowers and Fug Belchers were also in the running. Got any you’d like to share?